Monday, March 22, 2010


Today’s Horrorscope: Virgo the Virgin: Male: If you don’t get some action soon your balls are going to explode, on the up side there’s a small chance you could be the next mother of the Chosen One, so make that decision for success and have that sex change today.
Female: Good week for wearing blue and headdresses, appearing on golf courses could mean extra TV coverage, but avoid randy Tigers.
Shemales: Typical, you went to all that bother and they changed the wrong half of you … contact ‘Injury lawyers for You’.

Monday, March 8, 2010

5 Step Template on: How to write a hit American sit-com

Step 1. Define your characters from the following types
A neurotic undersexed professional woman
An oversexed slut with a heart of gold
An ethnically challenged woman
A fat older woman who uses sarcasm (now that’s original)
A prudish professional man who falls in love easily
An oversexed boy-who-hasn’t grown-up
A bumbling idiot
Another bumbling idiot with a foreign accent

Step 2. Choose your setting
Doctors a hospital
Doctors in an apartment
Friends of a doctor .. in an apartment
People who meet in a coffee shop (everyday .. without fail)
Teenagers .. doing teenage things

Step 3. Add a series long sex/love theme
i.e. John is in love with Mary, but is sleeping with Mary’s sister Karen who use to be married to Michael, who’s now gay and dating John’s brother .. who has slept with Karen .. and Mary .. and the fat black girl who sarcastically notes he was rubbish in bed (this should last 5 sessions until a lesbian should be introduced to the mix)

Step 4. Write the episodes
Episode framework
I’ve slept with my housemate/friend/workmate (sister – for Fox network only)
Hilarity ensues as this fact is a badly kept secret and then revealed to all
We have a problem let’s solve it as a group
A serious of tearfull looks to camera with trendy music by Coldplay (any shit band will do)
Group hug
Finally joke (I thought you were your sister/brother in the dark .. any similar gag)
Canned laughter

Step 5. Repeat ad nausea and add new Characters when rating go down
new characters

Parents (famous actors looking for work)
A stoned young person
a long lost sister/brother
a long lost husband/wife
a duck
a dog
a gay man
two gay men
a naked guy in a window

Happy Birthday

Birthday Morning
a dawdling dawning of all that has transpired
the falls and fumbles
isn’t it strange
how we first remember the bad times
but a half-turn in the half-sleep interjects
and injects a happier spell
a second kiss
a first victory
a sickening excitement

Birthday dawning
slow morning with a tick as long as an eon
and a tock
echoing in a watched kettle
dull grey Irish day with the bentheads
on the way to toil
watched from the window sill by
the birthday suited boy

Birthday morning
Teeth show yawning and fall back
onto the messy bed
head swimming with years of reminiscence
like some hack of a poet
attempting to rewrite an ordinary life
into windswept whimsies
another sleep
another dream
a second kiss